Moving On

It’s time… Let the healing begin, let God’s Grace pour over me.

Betrayal, lies, and hurts are only temporary, earthly issues… My rewards in Heaven will be worth the pains of today. I have so many thoughts, so many words burning in my mind, mouth, and soul…. I’m on fire to write again, and write I shall…. Only you will need to be prepared…. Those of you that read this blog will see a different side of me, this is my blog, my place to vent, to praise, to call out people, to be totally un-politically correct, to nurture, to have fun, to teach, and to learn…. If I offend anyone in my future posts, then too bad, so sad…. Move along little tender heart… I no longer have the patience to placate and soothe those of you who are wimpy…. I’m moving on…. To be real, to be brutally honest, and frankly, I will probably piss a lot of people off. But guess what? I don’t flipping care, go write your own blog if you don’t like what I say here, perhaps you can’t handle the truth and want to live in your world of rainbows and unicorns…. Well pucker up buttercup, it has to rain to get a rainbow and unicorns aren’t real, but I they were, guess what? They would poop…. On the ground, and you’d probably step in it….. So strap on your seat belts folks….. We are gonna have quite the ride!!!

New Traditions

11/7/13
Again, another break up, the same man as last year, exactly the same date as the man the prior year…. Another heartbreak before the holidays…. Is it a curse? No, it’s God’s way of telling me I need to focus on Him, that He is my tradition, that He is my priority, my focus should be on Him and thankfully again, he has provided for me, not only with long lost relatives for Thanksgiving, and loving friends to be the balm to my heart that seems to always get broken this time of year who keep showing me true Godly love, friendship, and genuine caring, but that His love NEVER FAILS.  Human love appears to be temporary and conditional, where as He and He alone will always love and provide for me….. Thank you Abba Daddy for loving me so very much and blessing me with the perfect people at the perfect time, and for removing the ones that don’t belong in Your plans for me….Amen!

breathfromheaven

I grew up in a family of mismatched people and no traditional celebrations other than birthdays.  We were different from most families, but we were the “fun” family.  People always wanted to hang out with us at our house.  I suppose that could be considered a tradition in itself.  No matter where we lived, it was always a given that the place to hang out was at my house.

When I was young I longed to have the traditional family.  The gatherings, the long lost cousins coming to visit once a year on Thanksgiving or Christmas.  We didn’t have extended family.  There was no one to come.  I promised myself when I grew up and had my own family, I would ALWAYS have a traditional get together on the holidays, inviting many friends and family to feel the love I wanted to share.

Welcome to reality.  By the time I…

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Are Believers Ever Really Alone?

As a believer are we ever really alone, are we really truly feeling loneliness…. it’s hard at times as I sit here missing my darling daughter, being hundreds of miles away from a love that has, so far withstood time, trials, and distance, not having any family close by, or family that I even know well for that matter, wondering if the choices in life that I’ve made are the right ones…… am I truly really loved…. but deep down, in the lonely moments, I know the truth.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

In times like this, trying not to feel isolated or all alone in the world can be a challenge….

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5

I pray that all the lonely hearts hear Your words, including my own heart…..

I don’t claim to know why I get lonely when I know God so deeply, and I have no doubt how much love, grace, and mercy He has showered me with.  I do think it’s my earthly flesh… wanting so badly to be needed, to be loved, to be touched.  A Saturday night free of any plans, would be ideal for a person with a standard, normal relationship.  Movie, popcorn, and snuggle time on the couch could cure these feelings, at least temporarily.   I know I shouldn’t complain.  I know I should be grateful for all that I do have.  And I am.  Extremely grateful.  However, every once in a while, I feel alone.  Lonely.  It’s scary here.  I would love to feel arms close around me and squeeze me tightly and whisper in my ear, “It will be all right, I’m here, and we will work through this together.”  Initially I think I need to hear this from my earthly love… however, as I pray and talk to my Abba Daddy, I realize I do hear these words, and I do feel the most exquisite healing hug ever… from Him.  Every day, every moment.  Every time I breathe in, it’s a breath from Heaven.  Every time I breathe in to sing His praises, it’s a breath from Heaven.  In the midst of all this chaos in my life, everything is still a breath from Heaven.

Lord, I breathe you in, I saturate my being with your Holy Spirit, to do as You will, to be as You want, to do as You command.  In the end, it’s You who has brought me to this place of loneliness.  To see Your face, to cry for Your love, to do as you have always wanted me to do, accept Your Breath from Heaven.

New Traditions

I grew up in a family of mismatched people and no traditional celebrations other than birthdays.  We were different from most families, but we were the “fun” family.  People always wanted to hang out with us at our house.  I suppose that could be considered a tradition in itself.  No matter where we lived, it was always a given that the place to hang out was at my house.

When I was young I longed to have the traditional family.  The gatherings, the long lost cousins coming to visit once a year on Thanksgiving or Christmas.  We didn’t have extended family.  There was no one to come.  I promised myself when I grew up and had my own family, I would ALWAYS have a traditional get together on the holidays, inviting many friends and family to feel the love I wanted to share.

Welcome to reality.  By the time I was married and had a child, it was too late to start these traditions I wanted to share.  My mom had passed, my then husband’s family had their own celebrations in another state and were too old to travel, and basically, he never allowed me to invite people over.  I was forbidden to ever have a dinner party or gathering.  If I did, he would always find a way to ruin it, or make me “pay” in some verbal or mental way.  So, I avoided it, just to keep the peace.

Finally divorced the man that caused so much anguish for me for over 13 years.  I was finally free to start new traditions with my little girl.  But wait, she is only with me on even years as per the divorce.  So much for the traditional celebrations, again.

Imagine how excited I was when I fell in love just before Valentine’s day 2011.  I’d NEVER had a Valentine.  Then we celebrated 4th of July together.  Oh boy.  Next up, Thanksgiving.  Plans were made, time off from work scheduled.  Heart break 3 weeks before the turkey was to be cooked up and served with love and tradition in a mountain community surrounded by a family I had fallen in love with.  So, my friend lovingly invited me to her home, with her family in from California, to celebrate with them.  It was wonderful to be among the love and noise of this family.  However, it wasn’t mine.

How blessed I was to fall in love again just before Valentine’s day, 2012!  As we cautiously nurtured this relationship, we spent time together, Memorial day, a birthday, vacation time, even flew out of state for a concert.  I was hopeful for the start of a new tradition with my new love.  Possible Thanksgiving with him or he with us.  Life is so cruel sometimes.  Heartbreak again.  A month before the warm roasted turkey would be served with savory stuffing and warm pies from the oven.  Now it felt like I would just die, a nice bologny sandwich would suffice at this point.  Who needs tradition?  Not me.  I never had it, why start now?

Another loving invite from the same friend who took me in last year.  Then it dawned on me.  I do have a new tradition.  I have a friend who treats me better than my family ever did, than any man ever has, and that means a heck of a lot more than any heartbreak just before a holiday.

New  traditions?  Definitely.  May not have been the way I saw them in my “visions and fantasies”, but God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave me Angela Staples and her loving family as my earthly angels.  My traditions may not be a set table in my own home with my significant other and our children.  My traditions may not be with my blood kin.  Apparently, my traditions are just like they were when I was growing up.  Mine.  My traditions.  Eclectic.  Spur of the moment.  The place that love built.  In my heart my traditions will always be, and I will always and forever be grateful for loving friends that seem to always be there for me at the exact time I need them.

Funny isn’t it?  How God has TRADITIONally provided exactly what I need, at exactly the right time?

I Want You in My Life

I want you in my life!

How often do we hear this in our lives? As children we love to hear this from our parents. As teenagers, we long to hear it from our friends. As adults, we desire to hear it from the people we love and pray they love us back.

“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart. Pursue these….”

Love. I hear “love” screaming from this statement. It is stated in 1 Corinthians 13:13 “So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” Oh yes, I want to pursue love, I want what the bible promises.

Withholding love and not communicating is not the pursuit of love. It is not telling someone you want them in your life. It is the opposite. It’s screaming that you do NOT have room in your life for them, you do NOT need them, and perhaps, even making them feel they are not even worthy of being loved.

I hear God shouting to me, “I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE”. I hear you Lord. I do.

Sometimes things happen in life to prevent love. It can make it feel that pursuing it anymore seems worthless. At times we need to come to the ends of ourselves to find God. Sometimes, being broken is the only way. I had forgotten for a time that you can’t change what has already happened, you need to look ahead instead of behind. That is where you will find love. The love God promises. God creates the masterpiece from all your broken pieces. The anointed and appointed love will grab you and never let go.

“Our longing to be reunited with something in the universe from which we now feel cut off is the truest index of our real situation.” C. S. Lewis

Our longing to be wanted is part of us, it is placed in us while we are being woven together in the womb. It is a need that can only be fulfilled with God as the driving force. With God as the main piece of the 3 part chord, love is everlasting and can not fail. I want you in my life. I need you in my life.

God, I want YOU in my life. All consuming. Unconditionally. Forever.

Our Prayer

Heavenly Father, I thank you for taking all my worries, concerns and fears to heart. I need you to cover my anxieties about everything, including every day life. Thank you for loving me, for bringing your comforting arms around me and for giving me the light of the Holy Spirit. You are in charge of my heart Lord and to You I give my praises throughout the day. Thank you for bringing Chuck into my life, for guiding us into a friendship and then into a love I have never known before or could even imagine. My thoughts always turn to You when I think of him, for he is honorable, loving, and trustworthy. The man I call my friend and love with all my heart. I just stand, NO, I fall to my knees in awe of how You must love me. Keep us both firmly in Your grip as you know the world and it’s heathenism can try to separate what You have brought together so carefully, and are completing the puzzle minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. If this prayer appears to be a ramble, I don’t apologize for it for You know exactly what is in my heart. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

When do you know?

When you love, you share yourself completely. When you love, you risk a lot. When you love deeply you do what you have to do to make the person you are in love with – happy.

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life was just this, doing what I have to do to make happy the man I love more than life itself. What does this entail?

Releasing him. To heal. To reflect. To become the man God intends him to be.

“The only things we can keep are the things we freely give to God. What we try to keep for ourselves is just what we are sure to lose.”
C. S. Lewis

As Christians, we try to be the light. I have gotten closer to God than I have ever been in my life. The past 3 weeks have made me realize God is not done with me yet, I am a work in process. I can not place my happiness above anyone else’s. I have to put another first. And yes, this is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I want to be selfish, I want to keep hanging on by my finger nails to a love so purely meant to be, but not at the expense of health and growth in Christ.

How do you know when? You don’t. You never know when its right. I do not profess to know the feelings being experienced by the man I love. All I know is the guilt I feel. The heart ache that I feel every day, over and over and over again. I can’t even imagine how hurt he is that he would choose to not communicate with me. It’s like having my heart broken each time there is no response to a text, an email. I don’t try to call, I know I’ll only get a voicemail and no attempt to return the call. So for me it is more humane to just back away and deal with the hurt all at once, like a band aid being ripped off an open oozing wound, than to succumb to the hourly and daily tears I have been experiencing for 3 weeks.

The no “I love you’s” and the non communication speak volumes above and beyond a simple text of “I miss you” every once in a while…. It’s deafening and lonely to be here.

I’m not that strong. I’m not. I am however that loving and caring. In constant prayer for healing and mending. The fruits of these prayers have not been shown yet. After all I am just a woman, with her own hurts and needs. and now add a broken heart…

How do I know when? I don’t, I only know my heart can’t break anymore than the little fragments its already in, I now realize it’s time to focus on my own repair work to heal and mend.

Will God eventually include him in my life? Oh I pray He does. I pray for my love to reconcile with me, I know our hearts are forever entwined around our love for our Savior and each other….

When do you know? You don’t. You can only pray that since God is in this, then He will repair, mend, heal, and reconcile.

When you willing give it to God…… That is when you know.

Beautiful Things…

Me God?  You make beautiful things out of the dust, yes, but ME?  Really?  I’m not beautiful.  I’ve done some things in my life that I am ashamed of, that make me feel dirty, undeserving and unworthy…. I’ve had things done to me that bring the same feelings.   I’m over weight, I have lost friends over silly disagreements, and I’ve lost loves…. I’m not beautiful according to that road map I described.  How do you begin to love someone like me, and call me beautiful?

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time…..”

Psalm 139:13-14   “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

Oh Lord how I need to hear these words, your unconditional love, the way you wash my sins away with your blood.  How I feel in your presence.  How I feel in the covering of your love.  BEAUTIFUL.

I present to the world a happy, go lucky girl with lots of smiles and giggles.  Easy to joke, poke fun, and be the life of the party.  I thought these things were signs of my true happiness.

Shocker alert:  These are not signs of my true self.  These are things I offer to the world to cover my pain.  My hurt.  My ugliness.  My shame.  My guilt.  I’ve hidden these things so well that I didn’t even recognize them as they came to the surface today.  Today, as I was broken, and turned inside out, unaware of the tears streaming down my face as I sunk my heart and soul into worship at the Women of Faith Conference in Ft Lauderdale.

I listened to women who had endured the same things as I and still were beautiful.  I laughed with these women who were in places so dark and circumstances so dire, like me, and yet they were each so beautiful.  I worshipped with women who had come to rock bottom, and climbed their way back, and still, they were beautiful.

Our Heavenly Father did that, he made each one of them into what he designed, in His time.  Beautiful from the time they were formed in the womb.  Beautiful.  Like me.

Did you Ask God?

In light of recent events, I had been a little distracted.  Forgot about a Calvary Chapel Night of Worship scheduled for this evening.  Thrilled at the prospect of going, I texted a couple friends, grabbed my daughter, and we ran to the church.  In my mind, I was going to get a lot of healing tonight.  Feel God so close to me again, feel loved again.  Worship is my drug.  I would give up anything to be able to worship and praise all the time.  God would take the hurt away, I’d not feel unloved anymore, and I could go on with my life.

Let’s back up a few days.  This was not my weekend to have my daughter.  A few days ago I was only going to have her on Saturday for a Girl Scout function.  Then last night I decided it would be a good idea to switch weekends with her dad, so I made the call and thankfully, he agreed.

First will of God.  Have me so broken that I would NEED to go to Night of Worship, even though I had been sick the last few days.  Second will of God.  That I would actually have custody of Katie to take her to the Night of Worship.  Here we have 2 God-oh-inces (stolen from Pastor Bob Coy)….. I have Katie “all of a sudden”, and I remarkably just “remembered” that there was a night of worship at the church on this very day.  Hmmmmmmmm.  Just so happened?  I think not.

So excited.  It’s my daughter and I, meeting a friend and daughter.  As I sit in the sanctuary, my eyes are already filling with tears as I wait for the Holy Spirit to take me to that place I long to be 24/7.  My friend comes over, there are 4 front row seats saved, just for us.  I have NEVER been able to sit front row.  It’s not allowed when the choir sings, and being in the choir usually meant we had to sit at least 10 rows back or to the sides.  Since the choir was “off” for this night of worship, that rule did not apply.  Let’s check this again.  Have my daughter last minute.  Remember night of worship, last minute.  Texted friend, last minute.  Friend finds 4 front row seats, last minute.

Just as we sit down to wait, the worship community takes the stage, the sanctuary erupts with applause and we all jump to our feet in anticipation.  Oh, this is what I needed.  This is what I’m here for, the touch of Jesus to make things all right again.

The first songs are amazing, calling the Holy Spirit into our house…… the smell was amazing, so fresh, so pure, the spirit was everywhere, soaking up everything, anointing the worshippers.  Hugging us.  Hugging me.

Pastor Clay titled tonight “Did you Ask Him”.  Talked about asking God before doing things on your own.  Ok, now he’s talking to me.  Did I ask God about what tonight was about?  No.  I only “assumed” this night was going to be all about me getting my “fix”.  Jesus is laughing at me I’m sure….. He had a big surprise waiting for me….

Pastor Clay gets to the part where he asks people to give their lives to Jesus.  He’s really pulling on heartstrings and I’m wishing I could be born again, again.  Then I hear this sweet, most magical sound I have ever heard before.

My darling little girl, 11 years old, looks up at me with those big beautiful green eyes, and asks me if she could go up.  I looked at her with my heart in my mouth, telling myself to stay calm, lets make sure I’m hearing this correctly.  I asked her if she knew what that meant, by going forward.  She answered yes, and shook her head up and down.  She looked a little nervous.  I told her to go on… she was scared.  I offered to go up with her, she took my hand and led me the 3 or four steps to the stage.  I look over and my friend is standing there with her daughter as well.  The tears start rolling down both our cheeks.  I stand behind my daughter, holding her, touching her shoulders, letting her know I’m with her, and I am silently saying my thank you’s to Jesus, silently giving him back the daughter he so graciously lent to me to protect and nurture while she’s on this earth.  Wow.  Sharing that moment with Jesus has got to be the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced.  In that moment I knew that it was Katie’s night to be there.  This was the moment she would have ever lasting life, her name is now in the Lamb’s book, and will rejoice in heaven and praise Jesus forever.  Just sit back and think about that.  At that moment, nothing else mattered.  NOTHING was more important than my precious child receiving her Savior by choice.  Did I ask for this from God?  Oh yes, I did, many many times, and for many many years.  Since the day she was born.  I knew it would come.  I am so thrilled it did.

We talked on the way home about what this means, how she is now filled with the holy spirit, what that entails, what steps we do to make sure she stays on the right track.  I mentioned getting water baptized.  Dunked in the ocean.  The eagerness on that little girl’s face was like Christmas morning and seeing the presents under the tree for the first time.

Yes.  I asked God.  And he provided.  Praise the Lord.

To Facebook or Not to Facebook

Have you ever had a love/hate relationship with something?  Something that can be fun, give you joy, make you laugh, help you make friends, share scriptures, bible studies, meet the love of your life?  That same “something” that can also cause chaos such as gossip, hostility, jealousy, senseless lashing out, uncalled for comments, anger, tears, and break-ups……

Hence my questions of the day….. to Facebook or Not to Facebook.

As of right now, I have 504 friends on my Facebook list.  Most of these people I actually do know…. probably around 150 are people I have met online through Christian dating sites, both men and women.  One of the 504 is the love of my life.  One is my daughter.  My best friends are there.  My church family.  My Girl Scout Troop group page.  Bible studies.  GAMES!!!  I love my social media, I am addicted to social media.  I share my loves and my hates on Facebook.  I share my joys, triumphs, losses, and doldrums.

It was through Facebook I got to know the man of dreams.  It is also the place where I may have caused the loss of that very man I thought God showed me was “The One”.

So, was it my addiction to social media attention that caused me to forget my “above reproach” Christian stance?  Was it because of my insecurities I was seeking attention?  What on earth would allow me to “forget” temporarily that to say certain suggestive comments in a mixed thread was okay?  I am not a psychologist, so I can’t answer this question with a resounding YES or NO.  All I can do is humbly and respectfully say I am so sorry to the one person I wanted to always be above reproach.  He is the one I hurt the most.  He is the one that should not have even been concerned with an action such as this from me, the person that loves him so much more than words can express.

What causes people to be so hungry for attention now a days?  What is it with the instant gratification of a hearty laugh that you caused with a quick witty barb or banter?  What is the draw?  Is life so terribly boring and unattractive that one has to sit for hours at the computer typing to people they most likely have never met before?  Is it loneliness?  Again, I am not a specialist, just a woman who is very busy and active, but also finds herself to be lonely.  Life as a single parent in your 40’s is not appealing.  So for me, it was about the interaction with people my own age, in similar situations, and having a big ole party….. did that honor God?

Let’s take a look.  If you watch and see what is really going on in these settings such as dating sites, and groups on Facebook, there is a lot of silliness passing for Christians hanging out with each other, and it was displeasing to see people I thought were my friends acting in this manner.  There are a lot of desperate people out there, and I know that feeling, but not at the sacrifice of my dignity, which many of these people are doing.  Sure, I made some really great friends, some I think I will have for the rest of my life.  I also believe I met “The One” however, this “silliness” may have cost me the most amazing man I have ever known.

So for me, right now, today, at midnight, to Facebook or not to Facebook will be answered.  My Facebook page will go dark.  For how long, I don’t know, but for now, I need to revisit a place where my Abba Daddy can hold me tight, give me the wisdom and words to try and become the real Christian I am meant to be.

In all things I do, I need to remember, if Jesus was standing there right in front of me, would I still do it?