When do you know?

When you love, you share yourself completely. When you love, you risk a lot. When you love deeply you do what you have to do to make the person you are in love with – happy.

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life was just this, doing what I have to do to make happy the man I love more than life itself. What does this entail?

Releasing him. To heal. To reflect. To become the man God intends him to be.

“The only things we can keep are the things we freely give to God. What we try to keep for ourselves is just what we are sure to lose.”
C. S. Lewis

As Christians, we try to be the light. I have gotten closer to God than I have ever been in my life. The past 3 weeks have made me realize God is not done with me yet, I am a work in process. I can not place my happiness above anyone else’s. I have to put another first. And yes, this is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I want to be selfish, I want to keep hanging on by my finger nails to a love so purely meant to be, but not at the expense of health and growth in Christ.

How do you know when? You don’t. You never know when its right. I do not profess to know the feelings being experienced by the man I love. All I know is the guilt I feel. The heart ache that I feel every day, over and over and over again. I can’t even imagine how hurt he is that he would choose to not communicate with me. It’s like having my heart broken each time there is no response to a text, an email. I don’t try to call, I know I’ll only get a voicemail and no attempt to return the call. So for me it is more humane to just back away and deal with the hurt all at once, like a band aid being ripped off an open oozing wound, than to succumb to the hourly and daily tears I have been experiencing for 3 weeks.

The no “I love you’s” and the non communication speak volumes above and beyond a simple text of “I miss you” every once in a while…. It’s deafening and lonely to be here.

I’m not that strong. I’m not. I am however that loving and caring. In constant prayer for healing and mending. The fruits of these prayers have not been shown yet. After all I am just a woman, with her own hurts and needs. and now add a broken heart…

How do I know when? I don’t, I only know my heart can’t break anymore than the little fragments its already in, I now realize it’s time to focus on my own repair work to heal and mend.

Will God eventually include him in my life? Oh I pray He does. I pray for my love to reconcile with me, I know our hearts are forever entwined around our love for our Savior and each other….

When do you know? You don’t. You can only pray that since God is in this, then He will repair, mend, heal, and reconcile.

When you willing give it to God…… That is when you know.


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