Beautiful Things…

Me God?  You make beautiful things out of the dust, yes, but ME?  Really?  I’m not beautiful.  I’ve done some things in my life that I am ashamed of, that make me feel dirty, undeserving and unworthy…. I’ve had things done to me that bring the same feelings.   I’m over weight, I have lost friends over silly disagreements, and I’ve lost loves…. I’m not beautiful according to that road map I described.  How do you begin to love someone like me, and call me beautiful?

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time…..”

Psalm 139:13-14   “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

Oh Lord how I need to hear these words, your unconditional love, the way you wash my sins away with your blood.  How I feel in your presence.  How I feel in the covering of your love.  BEAUTIFUL.

I present to the world a happy, go lucky girl with lots of smiles and giggles.  Easy to joke, poke fun, and be the life of the party.  I thought these things were signs of my true happiness.

Shocker alert:  These are not signs of my true self.  These are things I offer to the world to cover my pain.  My hurt.  My ugliness.  My shame.  My guilt.  I’ve hidden these things so well that I didn’t even recognize them as they came to the surface today.  Today, as I was broken, and turned inside out, unaware of the tears streaming down my face as I sunk my heart and soul into worship at the Women of Faith Conference in Ft Lauderdale.

I listened to women who had endured the same things as I and still were beautiful.  I laughed with these women who were in places so dark and circumstances so dire, like me, and yet they were each so beautiful.  I worshipped with women who had come to rock bottom, and climbed their way back, and still, they were beautiful.

Our Heavenly Father did that, he made each one of them into what he designed, in His time.  Beautiful from the time they were formed in the womb.  Beautiful.  Like me.


Did you Ask God?

In light of recent events, I had been a little distracted.  Forgot about a Calvary Chapel Night of Worship scheduled for this evening.  Thrilled at the prospect of going, I texted a couple friends, grabbed my daughter, and we ran to the church.  In my mind, I was going to get a lot of healing tonight.  Feel God so close to me again, feel loved again.  Worship is my drug.  I would give up anything to be able to worship and praise all the time.  God would take the hurt away, I’d not feel unloved anymore, and I could go on with my life.

Let’s back up a few days.  This was not my weekend to have my daughter.  A few days ago I was only going to have her on Saturday for a Girl Scout function.  Then last night I decided it would be a good idea to switch weekends with her dad, so I made the call and thankfully, he agreed.

First will of God.  Have me so broken that I would NEED to go to Night of Worship, even though I had been sick the last few days.  Second will of God.  That I would actually have custody of Katie to take her to the Night of Worship.  Here we have 2 God-oh-inces (stolen from Pastor Bob Coy)….. I have Katie “all of a sudden”, and I remarkably just “remembered” that there was a night of worship at the church on this very day.  Hmmmmmmmm.  Just so happened?  I think not.

So excited.  It’s my daughter and I, meeting a friend and daughter.  As I sit in the sanctuary, my eyes are already filling with tears as I wait for the Holy Spirit to take me to that place I long to be 24/7.  My friend comes over, there are 4 front row seats saved, just for us.  I have NEVER been able to sit front row.  It’s not allowed when the choir sings, and being in the choir usually meant we had to sit at least 10 rows back or to the sides.  Since the choir was “off” for this night of worship, that rule did not apply.  Let’s check this again.  Have my daughter last minute.  Remember night of worship, last minute.  Texted friend, last minute.  Friend finds 4 front row seats, last minute.

Just as we sit down to wait, the worship community takes the stage, the sanctuary erupts with applause and we all jump to our feet in anticipation.  Oh, this is what I needed.  This is what I’m here for, the touch of Jesus to make things all right again.

The first songs are amazing, calling the Holy Spirit into our house…… the smell was amazing, so fresh, so pure, the spirit was everywhere, soaking up everything, anointing the worshippers.  Hugging us.  Hugging me.

Pastor Clay titled tonight “Did you Ask Him”.  Talked about asking God before doing things on your own.  Ok, now he’s talking to me.  Did I ask God about what tonight was about?  No.  I only “assumed” this night was going to be all about me getting my “fix”.  Jesus is laughing at me I’m sure….. He had a big surprise waiting for me….

Pastor Clay gets to the part where he asks people to give their lives to Jesus.  He’s really pulling on heartstrings and I’m wishing I could be born again, again.  Then I hear this sweet, most magical sound I have ever heard before.

My darling little girl, 11 years old, looks up at me with those big beautiful green eyes, and asks me if she could go up.  I looked at her with my heart in my mouth, telling myself to stay calm, lets make sure I’m hearing this correctly.  I asked her if she knew what that meant, by going forward.  She answered yes, and shook her head up and down.  She looked a little nervous.  I told her to go on… she was scared.  I offered to go up with her, she took my hand and led me the 3 or four steps to the stage.  I look over and my friend is standing there with her daughter as well.  The tears start rolling down both our cheeks.  I stand behind my daughter, holding her, touching her shoulders, letting her know I’m with her, and I am silently saying my thank you’s to Jesus, silently giving him back the daughter he so graciously lent to me to protect and nurture while she’s on this earth.  Wow.  Sharing that moment with Jesus has got to be the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced.  In that moment I knew that it was Katie’s night to be there.  This was the moment she would have ever lasting life, her name is now in the Lamb’s book, and will rejoice in heaven and praise Jesus forever.  Just sit back and think about that.  At that moment, nothing else mattered.  NOTHING was more important than my precious child receiving her Savior by choice.  Did I ask for this from God?  Oh yes, I did, many many times, and for many many years.  Since the day she was born.  I knew it would come.  I am so thrilled it did.

We talked on the way home about what this means, how she is now filled with the holy spirit, what that entails, what steps we do to make sure she stays on the right track.  I mentioned getting water baptized.  Dunked in the ocean.  The eagerness on that little girl’s face was like Christmas morning and seeing the presents under the tree for the first time.

Yes.  I asked God.  And he provided.  Praise the Lord.

To Facebook or Not to Facebook

Have you ever had a love/hate relationship with something?  Something that can be fun, give you joy, make you laugh, help you make friends, share scriptures, bible studies, meet the love of your life?  That same “something” that can also cause chaos such as gossip, hostility, jealousy, senseless lashing out, uncalled for comments, anger, tears, and break-ups……

Hence my questions of the day….. to Facebook or Not to Facebook.

As of right now, I have 504 friends on my Facebook list.  Most of these people I actually do know…. probably around 150 are people I have met online through Christian dating sites, both men and women.  One of the 504 is the love of my life.  One is my daughter.  My best friends are there.  My church family.  My Girl Scout Troop group page.  Bible studies.  GAMES!!!  I love my social media, I am addicted to social media.  I share my loves and my hates on Facebook.  I share my joys, triumphs, losses, and doldrums.

It was through Facebook I got to know the man of dreams.  It is also the place where I may have caused the loss of that very man I thought God showed me was “The One”.

So, was it my addiction to social media attention that caused me to forget my “above reproach” Christian stance?  Was it because of my insecurities I was seeking attention?  What on earth would allow me to “forget” temporarily that to say certain suggestive comments in a mixed thread was okay?  I am not a psychologist, so I can’t answer this question with a resounding YES or NO.  All I can do is humbly and respectfully say I am so sorry to the one person I wanted to always be above reproach.  He is the one I hurt the most.  He is the one that should not have even been concerned with an action such as this from me, the person that loves him so much more than words can express.

What causes people to be so hungry for attention now a days?  What is it with the instant gratification of a hearty laugh that you caused with a quick witty barb or banter?  What is the draw?  Is life so terribly boring and unattractive that one has to sit for hours at the computer typing to people they most likely have never met before?  Is it loneliness?  Again, I am not a specialist, just a woman who is very busy and active, but also finds herself to be lonely.  Life as a single parent in your 40’s is not appealing.  So for me, it was about the interaction with people my own age, in similar situations, and having a big ole party….. did that honor God?

Let’s take a look.  If you watch and see what is really going on in these settings such as dating sites, and groups on Facebook, there is a lot of silliness passing for Christians hanging out with each other, and it was displeasing to see people I thought were my friends acting in this manner.  There are a lot of desperate people out there, and I know that feeling, but not at the sacrifice of my dignity, which many of these people are doing.  Sure, I made some really great friends, some I think I will have for the rest of my life.  I also believe I met “The One” however, this “silliness” may have cost me the most amazing man I have ever known.

So for me, right now, today, at midnight, to Facebook or not to Facebook will be answered.  My Facebook page will go dark.  For how long, I don’t know, but for now, I need to revisit a place where my Abba Daddy can hold me tight, give me the wisdom and words to try and become the real Christian I am meant to be.

In all things I do, I need to remember, if Jesus was standing there right in front of me, would I still do it?

I Could Not Ask For More…..

Broken… At my own hands even… this blog is not to make myself out to be a victim… But to show how I’m trying to deal with a major loss in my life, due to my own stupidity and thoughtless words, dishonoring the most honorable man I know…

Every prayer has been answered, every dream has come true…. and then it’s gone. This was our song, his ringtone…. Sang this for him on SingSnap….

Dying to the dream of a certain man….. that is where I find myself…. I pray God will comfort both our hearts….

How can one recover from receiving an answer to prayers, then finding one self in an empty place, so cold, so dark, so nothing? Never before have I connected on every level with another human being.

I can’t even imagine how he feels, probably betrayed, probably defeated.

I’m my own worst enemy… Not thinking before reacting… Talking before realizing the repercussions that those words would create…

Love unconditional…… Never before had I even imagined it could happen, to me especially. I have not been privy to the love like you see in the movies, or read about in books. Never felt I was even worthy….. I figured it was all smoke and mirrors, like a magic act, or a fairy tale, or some story that your parents tell you about, like being told about some jolly man dressed in red who gives out presents to good little boys and girls. I found it for a few short months……

Then the bubble bursts. I pushed the pin myself…. The dream is over, reality sets in…. there is no Santa Claus…. the answered prayer was only temporary, a tease, to let me know that it does exist, but it’s so precious and needs to be treated as the most fragile of treasures…………

So not only do I lose the dream, I lose the man and the best friend I found in the same person. The one person I want to call and share my grief is the very same person that I hurt. How do you cope?

There are two parties involved. A mistake was made by me. Perhaps this is a fixable problem. For God, yes. For the flesh, yes, if both parties want it bad enough. But for now, knowing that I’ve done all I can by praying, reaching out, and even asking for us to pray together, turning it over to God is the only way.

I am seeking solace in the only man that will comfort me. my Heavenly Father. I will not open my heart to another earthly man, ever. I had a taste of “The One”…. there is not a chance any one else will ever be able to fill that hole in my heart left by him, except my Abba Daddy. You Lord are my first and greatest love. It is You I put my trust and well being, and You will take care of me. I pray He does the same for my precious love, Chuck,

Praising him in this storm even in my defeat…..

“Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

I don’t see my life moving ahead right now, but it will. I’ll go numbly through the motions for a while…. withdraw socially, do the normal routines, and when my heart has been stitched back together, and I’m finished being my own worst enemy, I will laugh again. God will strengthen and sustain me, I know this, because He promised to do that…. And I hope for you Chuck, God can do the healing that I can not….

And to Him I say, STEADY MY HEART……..

Chuck~. I am so sorry for causing you hurt…. I will always love you….,

Good grief! What am I doing?

So many people have said to me, “you should start a blog”…. and I just smile and say, yeah sure, in my spare time, and seriously, who really CARES what I have to say, what I’m thinking, or what I’m feeling? So much of the world is caught up in their own “me-isms”…. not enough compassion left over from their own selves to even blink an eyelash at anything any one else may have to say?  Perhaps just too busy with “life stuff”?  After all….. I get a tad distracted myself at times.

So, here I am, attempting to be a writer of my very first blog. Who knows what will come out of my fingertips as I punch the keys on my MAC. All I can do is pray I sound halfway intelligent, not ramble and muse too much, and hopefully keep the drivel to a minimum as to not bore anyone to tears…. well, if anyone else even reads what is posted here.

I’m going to give this blog thingy a chance, and see what comes of it…. don’t expect any professional writing finesse-a-bilities, and definitely expect to laugh a lot, cry some, and perhaps even reminisce a bit……. if anything, maybe it will help me to get my own randomness into some sort of order…. bwahahahahahahaha, yeah right, as much as I love to laugh and have fun, randomness is way more my style….. so here we go………